You've heard the myths. "Long-distance relationships are doomed from the start." "People in LDR's grow apart too easily." "It's difficult to maintain the passion a relationship needs to thrive when in a LDR." If anyone knows about long-distance relationships, it's me. My husband and I have been apart for 88% of our total relationship, and 86% of our marriage. We crammed as much life, passion, and love as we could into that 12% we were on the same continent, but believe it or not, that's not what's been keeping us together. See, people seem to think that when in a LDR, the time spent together is the fuel for the times spent apart. Eventually your gas tank reads 'Empty,' and you need to spend time together again to "fill the tank." I think this mindset is what kills a LDR before it's even started. Because the first step in making a LDR -- or any relationship -- work is having the right mindset.
#1. Time spent apart is just as valuable as time spent together.
Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary defines a relationship as, "a romantic or passionate attachment." Such attachment must be maintained to be happy in a healthy LDR. So, while it is important to spend time together physically when you can, it's more important to lay a solid foundation by understanding that the "passionate attachment" can and should be maintained during the times apart, as well. And, there are certain things, in my opinion, that are most crucial to this maintenance.
#2. Communicate about communicating.
Communication takes many different forms -- talking, smiling, touching, writing, typing, etc. But people in a LDR have a much more limited choice of how to communicate with their partner. A key component in making sure a LDR remains strong and steady is to be clear about what you're saying and why you're saying it. Cut the emotional games. That shit's for teenagers. I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain to my husband, "When you say this, it makes me feel like that." This kind of thing is important when the only communication you have with your S.O. is on a computer screen or through a phone.
#3. Send gifts.
When you live with someone (or at least live in the same city as someone), it's easy to give them presents to show that you love them. Don't let that slide just because you have to pay a little extra for shipping and handling. Birthdays and anniversaries go without saying, but try to send "just-because" gifts, too. They don't have to be big or extravagant -- some of the best are even homemade -- but surprising your partner with a little something in the mail every once in awhile is a good way to let them know that even though you're far away, your heart is still with them.
#4. Be honest.
This is important in every relationship, even more so in one with as little accountability as a LDR. It's absolutely crucial to be completely honest about anything and everything, even if it means 'fessing up about something you're not proud of. Your guy or girl is trusting that you are being faithful and truthful about what is going on in your life, and being honest is the only way to respect the trust they've placed in you. As the saying goes, "Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair."
#5. Leave love notes.
Email them. Facebook them. Text them. Snail-mail them. Send a card. Spray your perfume or cologne on it. Draw hearts and xo's. Be creative. And do it often.
#6. Don't make threats when arguing.
The "long-distance" part puts a unique strain on the "relationship" part. Because of this, it is especially important to not make empty threats when in a heated argument with your partner. Threats cause hurt and damage; and, over a long period of time, they whittle away at the commitment to stay together and can weaken it until it breaks.
#7. Never, ever hang up on each other.
You never know what could happen in the five minutes after you hang up that phone. This is something Jon and I take very seriously, especially since he is in Afghanistan on a deployment. No matter how angry we are with each other, we stay on the phone until we have sorted things out enough to know we are both okay. Living life without regrets means making small choices like this to ensure that you don't have regrets.
#8. Ask them about when they fell in love with you.
When Jon and I talk, sometimes it's easy to get into a mundane lull -- we talk about how our days were, what the next year is going to look like, whatever's on my mind, whatever's on his mind, financial stuff.....but every once in awhile, I'll ask him to tell me about when he fell in love with me. I'm a detail person, so I make him tell me about every little feeling and moment that he remembers. It makes me smile and makes my heart feel all big and cozy....and it makes me fall just a little bit more in love with him, too.
#9. Remain physically faithful.
Um, obviously. Don't even let yourself go there.
#10. Remain emotionally faithful, and #9 will be easier.
It's no lie that you have to sacrifice things to be with someone in a LDR. They aren't always there when you need a hug or need to cuddle or need comforting. But, that doesn't mean you should be getting that from someone else of the opposite sex. Each couple is different, so some people may be a little more lenient with their partner when it comes to opposite-gender friends and how physical they can be with them. But a good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't talk to or act that way around your friend if your S.O. were in the room, you probably shouldn't be talking or acting that way at all. Set boundaries for your heart, so your body won't betray you. On that note...
#11. Physical needs can wait.
I know, it doesn't feel like it. Self-control is one of the strongest qualities a human being can have. Denying oneself something they deeply desire out of love and commitment for someone else requires strength, maturity, and resolve. But it can be done. Besides, all the sparks and passion of the first time back together pretty much makes up for all the times missed while apart.
#12. Sexy picktchas!
Just because you have to put a hold on physical activity for awhile doesn't mean you can't spice up the love life. Sending sexy pictures is a good way to keep the heat turned up in a LDR. Just be careful, because those pics are only for one pair of eyes!
#13. Remember often why you fell in love with them in the first place.
Relationships take a lot of work, sacrifice, giving, and love. It's normal to get frustrated and exasperated, and people in a LDR have to handle difficulties that other couples don't. These difficulties can crowd into your heart and make you wonder why the hell you're putting yourself through this. Don't let that question just hang there in the void and eat away at your resolve. Face it, and answer it head-on. Why are you in this relationship? Why do you love this person? Remind yourself often. Remember how you felt when you first met, write a list of the things you appreciate about your partner, listen to songs you danced to, watch movies you saw together, look through pictures of the both of you. Let the memories flood back. Let your heart feel those flutters again.
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